What to do when your ex won't stop contacting you

Receiving unwanted contact from a former partner is one of the more difficult situations to know how to handle. It often sits in a grey area — not quite threatening enough to feel justified in calling police, but persistent and intrusive enough to cause real harm to your daily life and mental health.

This guide covers the legal line between unwanted contact and harassment, how to document what's happening, what to do and not do, and what practical and legal options are available to you.

When contact becomes harassment

In Australian law, harassment is not defined by a single incident. The key elements are:

• Repetition. The behaviour happens more than once, or is part of a course of conduct.
• Knowledge. The sender knows (or a reasonable person would know) that the contact is unwanted.
• Impact. The contact causes fear for safety or substantial distress, or would cause this in a reasonable person.

Under the Crimes Act and various state-based stalking and harassment legislation, a pattern of unwanted contact — texts, calls, emails, showing up, contact through third parties — can constitute the offence of stalking or harassment, even if each individual contact seems minor.

This matters because it means you don't need to wait for something serious to happen before taking action. A pattern of 20 text messages over two weeks, sent after you asked the person to stop, is a pattern of harassment. It doesn't require a threat.

Document everything from the start

The most important thing you can do — from the very first unwanted contact — is document it. Courts, police, and lawyers need a record, not a verbal account. The record needs to show:

• The date and time of each contact
• The platform or method (SMS, WhatsApp, email, showing up in person, through a mutual friend)
• The exact content of messages — full text, not a summary
• Any response you gave, or a note that you didn't respond
• Any steps you took to communicate that contact was unwanted (a written message, a note through a lawyer)

Keep this record in a format you can produce — a secure notes app, a spreadsheet, or forwarded emails in a dedicated folder. Also preserve the original messages on the device that received them and back up that device.

What not to do

There are several common responses to unwanted contact that make the situation harder to resolve:

• Do not engage with every message. Each response — even an irritated one — signals that messaging you produces a result. This often encourages more contact.
• Do not make counter-threats or match the emotional tone. This creates material that can be used against you and complicates your legal position.
• Do not share the messages publicly. Posting communications on social media, even to seek sympathy or witnesses, can create defamation risk and undermine your legal options.
• Do not delete messages. Even if they are upsetting, they are your evidence. Keep everything.
• Do not involve children as intermediaries. Don't ask children to pass along messages asking the other parent to stop contacting you — this puts children in an impossible position and can be used against you in family court.

Setting a clear limit in writing

If you haven't already communicated clearly that contact is unwanted, do so once — in writing. This is important because it establishes the "knowledge" element of harassment: after your written notice, the sender cannot claim they didn't know contact was unwanted.

The message should be:

• Brief — one or two sentences
• Clear — state that you do not want further contact
• Specific about what is allowed, if anything (for example, co-parenting logistics via a specific channel only)
• Free of emotional content, threats, or anything that could be turned against you

After sending this message, do not send further requests. One written notice is the legally clear approach. Sending 15 messages asking someone to stop contacting you is itself a pattern of contact.

Legal options

If unwanted contact continues after your written notice (or if it is immediately threatening or serious), you have several legal options:

Police report

Contact police to make a report, particularly if the contact is repeated, threatening, or accompanied by physical surveillance. Bring your documented record. A police report creates an official record even if no action is taken immediately.

Protection order

Apply through your local court for an Apprehended Violence Order (NSW), Intervention Order (Victoria), Domestic Violence Order (Queensland), or the equivalent in your state. A protection order can prohibit all contact, or restrict contact to specific channels (such as written communication about children only).

Stalking or harassment charges

In serious cases, police may charge the other party with stalking, harassment, or related offences under the relevant state legislation. A documented record significantly strengthens any criminal investigation.

Protecting yourself practically

While legal processes proceed, there are practical steps that reduce your exposure to unwanted contact:

• Route all contact through a relay address or number — they never have your real details
• Review privacy settings on all social media accounts and remove your location from posts
• Let your workplace know if the situation escalates to the point where contact there is a risk
• Inform your children's school or childcare of who is and is not authorised to collect them
• Vary your routine if you believe you are being physically followed
• Keep a trusted person informed of your situation and your whereabouts