Key points

  • Unwanted contact is generally treated as harassment when it is repeated, the sender knows it’s unwanted, and it causes fear or significant distress. The exact test depends on where you live.
  • Document everything from the beginning: frequency, content, and any steps you took to communicate that contact was unwanted.
  • Do not respond to every message; engaging often encourages more contact.
  • One written statement that contact is unwanted, followed by silence, is often the clearest approach.
  • If co-parenting contact is still necessary, a communication relay separates legitimate communication from harassment and archives everything.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Receiving unwanted contact from a former partner is one of the more difficult situations to know how to handle. It often sits in a grey area: not quite threatening enough to feel justified in calling police, but persistent and intrusive enough to cause real harm to your daily life and mental health. Contact often continues over shared things, such as a lease or who gets the dog after a breakup.

This guide covers where the line usually sits between unwanted contact and harassment, how to document what’s happening, what to do and not do, and the practical and legal options people commonly look into.

When contact becomes harassment

In Australia, harassment is generally about a pattern rather than a single incident. The elements laws commonly look at are:

  • Repetition. The behaviour happens more than once, or is part of a course of conduct.
  • Knowledge. The sender knows (or a reasonable person would know) that the contact is unwanted.
  • Impact. The contact causes fear for safety or substantial distress, or would cause this in a reasonable person.

Under Australian state and territory stalking and harassment laws, a pattern of unwanted contact (texts, calls, emails, showing up, contact through third parties) can amount to stalking or harassment, even if each individual contact seems minor. In the US, harassment and stalking are covered by state laws, and the details vary from state to state.

This means you don’t need to wait for something serious to happen before seeking help. A pattern of 20 text messages over two weeks, sent after you asked the person to stop, can be harassment even without a threat. Police, a lawyer or a free legal service can tell you how the law applies to your situation. Our guide to harassing texts from an ex covers what this looks like by SMS.

Document everything from the start

The most important thing you can do, from the very first unwanted contact, is document it. A written record is far more useful to police and lawyers than a verbal account. The record needs to show:

  • The date and time of each contact
  • The platform or method (SMS, WhatsApp, email, showing up in person, through a mutual friend)
  • The exact content of messages: full text, not a summary
  • Any response you gave, or a note that you didn’t respond
  • Any steps you took to communicate that contact was unwanted (a written message, a note through a lawyer)

Keep this record in a format you can produce: a secure notes app, a spreadsheet, or forwarded emails in a dedicated folder. Also preserve the original messages on the device that received them and back up that device. If most of it arrives by email, our guide on how to stop harassing emails covers that channel.

What not to do

There are several common responses to unwanted contact that make the situation harder to resolve:

  • Do not engage with every message. Each response, even an irritated one, signals that messaging you produces a result. This often encourages more contact.
  • Do not make counter-threats or match the emotional tone. This creates material that could be used against you later.
  • Do not share the messages publicly. Posting communications on social media, even to seek sympathy or witnesses, can create legal risks of its own and make the situation harder to resolve.
  • Do not delete messages. Even if they are upsetting, they are your record. Keep everything.
  • Do not involve children as intermediaries. Don’t ask children to pass along messages asking the other parent to stop contacting you. This puts children in an impossible position, right in the middle of the conflict.
This is general information, not legal advice. The appropriate response to unwanted contact depends on your circumstances, including whether children are involved, whether there is a legal agreement about contact, and what jurisdiction you are in. A family lawyer can advise on your situation, and 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) in Australia or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) in the US offer confidential support.

Setting a clear limit in writing

If you haven’t already communicated clearly that contact is unwanted, do so once, in writing. This helps because it shows, in writing, that the person knows contact is unwanted, which is one of the things harassment laws commonly look at.

The message should be:

  • Brief: one or two sentences
  • Clear: state that you do not want further contact
  • Specific about what is allowed, if anything (for example, co-parenting logistics via a specific channel only)
  • Free of emotional content, threats, or anything that could be turned against you

After sending this message, do not send further requests. One written notice is usually clearer than many. Sending 15 messages asking someone to stop contacting you is itself a pattern of contact. If it is ignored, some people ask a lawyer to send a formal cease and desist letter. In the US, our guide to cease and desist letters for harassment explains how they work there.

How FenceChat helps: If you still need to maintain some communication, for co-parenting or other necessary reasons, FenceChat lets you share a relay address and number instead of your real contact details. Incoming messages are processed by AI: hostile or harassing language is taken out before it reaches you, while the necessary logistics come through. Every original is archived with full metadata, building a complete record that distinguishes necessary communication from harassment. Your real number and email stay private.

If unwanted contact continues after your written notice (or if it is immediately threatening or serious), these are the legal options people commonly look into. A lawyer or a free legal service can tell you which, if any, fit your situation.

Police report

Contact police to make a report, particularly if the contact is repeated, threatening, or accompanied by physical surveillance. Bring your documented record. A police report creates an official record even if no action is taken immediately.

Protection order

In Australia, people in this situation can apply through their local court for an Apprehended Violence Order (NSW), Intervention Order (Victoria), Domestic Violence Order (Queensland), or the equivalent in their state. A protection order can prohibit all contact, or restrict contact to specific channels (such as written communication about children only).

In the US, the equivalent is a protective or restraining order, and the rules vary by state. Our US guide explains the basics.

Stalking or harassment charges

In serious cases, police may charge the other party with stalking, harassment, or related offences under the relevant state legislation. A documented record can help police understand the full pattern.

Protecting yourself practically

If you cannot cut contact completely, see how to stop someone texting you without blocking them. While legal processes proceed, there are practical steps that reduce your exposure to unwanted contact:

  • Route all contact through a relay address or number: they never have your real details
  • Review privacy settings on all social media accounts and remove your location from posts
  • Let your workplace know if the situation escalates to the point where contact there is a risk
  • Inform your children’s school or childcare of who is and is not authorised to collect them
  • Vary your routine if you believe you are being physically followed
  • Keep a trusted person informed of your situation and your whereabouts

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

United States

If you feel unsafe

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

United Kingdom

If you feel unsafe

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

Frequently asked questions

When does unwanted contact from an ex become harassment?

Unwanted contact can become harassment when it is repeated, the sender knows the contact is unwanted, and it causes the recipient to fear for their safety or causes significant distress. A single message is not usually harassment in law, but persistent contact, especially after you have asked them to stop, can meet the threshold under Australian harassment and stalking laws. In the US, the rules vary by state.

Should I respond to messages from an ex who won’t stop contacting me?

Generally no. Responding, even to say “stop contacting me”, can encourage further contact and blur the record. Many people find the clearest approach is one documented statement in writing that contact is not welcome, followed by silence. A lawyer can help with the wording. After that statement, preserve but do not respond to further messages.

Can I get a restraining order if my ex won’t stop texting me?

It may be possible. In Australia, protection orders (AVOs, Intervention Orders, and their equivalents in other states) can prohibit a person from contacting you. In the US, protective or restraining orders do a similar job, and the rules vary by state. A documented record of the unwanted contact, showing the frequency, content, and that the contact was unwanted, is helpful either way. A lawyer or a free legal service can tell you whether an order may fit your situation.

Is it harassment if my ex contacts me through other people?

It can be. Directing third parties to contact you, or using children as intermediaries, can amount to harassment. Document it the same way you would document direct contact. If there is a protection order in place that prohibits contact, contact through third parties may breach that order.

What should I do if I still need to be in contact for co-parenting?

If you share children, you may need to maintain some communication channel. The solution is to separate necessary co-parenting communication from unwanted personal contact. Using a relay address or number means you can receive co-parenting logistics while filtering out and archiving unwanted contact. This also creates a record that distinguishes the two types of communication.