Gaslighting examples: what it looks like in texts and emails, and how to respond

You know what was said. You remember the agreement, the time, the words. Then a message arrives telling you it never happened, that you have it wrong again, that you might want to get your memory checked. After enough of these, you start to wonder.

That slow loss of confidence in your own account has a name: gaslighting. This guide gives real-world gaslighting examples from texts and emails, the phrases to watch for, how gaslighting differs from an honest disagreement, and how to respond in writing without getting pulled into an argument you cannot win. It is general information, not legal or psychological advice.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour that makes another person doubt their own memory, perception or sanity. It works by repetition: facts are denied, events are retold differently, and your reactions are framed as the problem, until it feels easier to accept their version than to trust your own.

The term comes from Gas Light, a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, later made into the 1944 film Gaslight. In the story, a husband secretly dims the gas lamps in the house and then insists his wife is imagining it, so she comes to believe she is losing her mind. The word has since moved into everyday use: Merriam-Webster named “gaslighting” its word of the year in 2022.

Sociologist Paige L. Sweet, writing in the American Sociological Review in 2019, described gaslighting as more than a personal quirk: it works best when it can draw on wider stereotypes, for example that someone is “hysterical”, “unstable” or “too emotional”, to make their account seem less believable. Her work is cited in Australia’s National Domestic and Family Violence Bench Book, a resource for judicial officers.

Gaslighting can come from anyone: an ex, a co-parent, a partner, a parent or sibling, a manager or colleague, a client. It can be deliberate, or a habit someone falls into when they do not want to be held responsible. Either way, the effect on you is the same.

Gaslighting examples in texts and emails

Written messages are where gaslighting often shows up most clearly, because the message itself is on the record. These examples are typical of what people receive from exes, co-parents, relatives and colleagues.

A single message often combines several of these. Say a co-parent is asked why they did not return the children at the agreed time, and replies:

The late return has disappeared. In its place are a denied agreement, a hint that you are unwell, and a third person said to agree. If you are co-parenting with a narcissist or another high-conflict parent, this may feel very familiar.

It happens at work too. A manager who promised leave in writing replies, “I never approved that. You should be more careful about what you assume,” and copies in HR. Or a client disputes an invoice they signed off: “No one here agreed to that scope. Are you sure you are not confusing us with someone else?” The setting changes; the shape does not.

Common gaslighting phrases to watch for

None of these phrases proves gaslighting on its own. Watch for them repeating, especially when they appear whenever you raise a concern.

• “That never happened.”
• “I never said that.”
• “You’re remembering it wrong.”
• “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.”
• “You’re being crazy” or “You need help.”
• “It was just a joke.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “Everyone agrees with me.”
• “Look what you made me do.”
• “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”

Is it gaslighting, or just a disagreement?

People genuinely remember things differently, and the word gets used loosely. A useful test is not whether someone disagrees with you, but how they disagree and how often.

• An honest disagreement stays on the facts, is open to checking the record, and happens now and then.
• Gaslighting attacks your memory or mental state rather than the facts, resists any record that contradicts it, and happens again and again, often whenever you raise something they would rather not discuss.

Gaslighting also overlaps with DARVO, short for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is a specific reaction to being held to account; its denial stage can feel exactly like gaslighting. Our guide to what DARVO is explains the difference with examples.

Signs you are being gaslit

Gaslighting is often easier to spot in how you feel after an exchange than in any single message. Common signs include:

• you check and re-check old messages to confirm what was really said;
• you apologise often, without being sure what for;
• you feel confused or “foggy” after talking to this person, and fine with others;
• you have started keeping things from friends or family because you expect to be told you are overreacting;
• you rehearse or rewrite messages many times before sending them.

If several of these sound familiar, that is worth taking seriously. It does not mean you are the problem.

How to respond to gaslighting in writing

You will rarely convince someone who is gaslighting you that your memory is right. The aim of a reply is not to win the argument, but to keep the practical issue on track, protect your record and step out of the loop.

1. Wait before you reply. A message designed to unsettle you loses much of its force after an hour or a day.
2. Check your own record first. Look back at the original message, email or note. Seeing it in writing is often enough to steady you.
3. State the fact once. Quote the date and what was agreed, plainly. Do not add how you feel or why they are wrong.
4. Do not debate whose memory is right. Every round of “yes you did” and “no I didn’t” gives them another chance to rewrite it. The grey rock method of short, flat replies helps here.
5. Ignore comments about your mental state. You do not need to prove you are stable or sensible in a text message.
6. Use the BIFF shape. Brief, informative, friendly, firm, a method developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. Our BIFF method guide has worked examples.
7. Move important things into writing. If phone calls are where facts get rewritten, ask for arrangements by text or email instead.

Notice what the reply leaves out: no defence of your memory, no response to the comment about coping, no mention of your mum. It points to the record and moves on. For angrier messages, see our guide on how to respond to an angry text or email.

Why a written record is the best answer to gaslighting

Gaslighting relies on the past being uncertain. A record you can trust takes that away: when the date, the sender and the exact words are written down, they are much harder to deny, to you or to anyone else.

• Keep every message, both sides, unedited, with the sender and the date and time visible.
• Save agreements in writing and confirm phone conversations with a short follow-up message: “Just confirming what we agreed on the phone today: …”
• Back up copies somewhere other than your phone, so nothing can quietly go missing.
• Keep a brief log of calls and in-person conversations, written as soon as you can.

A record is not only for a lawyer or a court. It is for you: on the days you start doubting yourself, you can read exactly what was said. Our guides to keeping a record of harassing messages and documenting emotional abuse walk through it step by step.

When gaslighting is part of a wider pattern of abuse

Gaslighting is a recognised feature of emotional abuse, and it often appears alongside other controlling behaviour. Signs that it may be part of something bigger include:

• threats to you, the children, pets, your job or your reputation;
• monitoring or controlling your money, movements, phone or friendships;
• cutting you off from friends and family, or telling you they are against you;
• checking every word before you send it, because you fear the reaction.

These can be signs of coercive control. Our guide to coercive control in messages explains what to look for. In some places coercive control is also a crime, and laws differ from place to place, so if this sounds familiar, police, a lawyer or a free legal service can tell you what applies where you live.

How FenceChat helps with gaslighting messages

When someone keeps rewriting what happened, two things help most: reading their messages without the attacks wrapped around them, and a record that cannot be rewritten. FenceChat is built for both.

FenceChat gives you a separate email address and, on the Protected and Legal plans, a separate mobile number to give the other person instead of your own. Their messages are filtered before they reach you: the practical information, such as a time, a date or a request, comes through, and manipulative and hostile language, including blame-shifting and attacks on your memory or state of mind, is filtered out. The filter describes language; it does not decide whether abuse happened, and it is not a judgement about anyone.

The untouched original of every message is kept in your Archive, timestamped, in case you ever need it. When you are told “I never said that”, you can check exactly what was said and when. They do not need an app or an account, and you never have to share your real number or address.

If you feel unsafe

A calm reply and a good record help, but they are not a safety plan. If gaslighting comes with threats or fear, reach out:

• Emergency: call 000 in Australia or 911 in the US.
• Family and domestic violence support: 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 in Australia, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788) in the US.

See Where to get help for services in Australia, the US and the UK.