I built FenceChat because I needed it.

When my relationship ended, the talking didn’t. We still had children to raise, so there were messages every week about pick-ups, sick days, school things and plans that changed at the last minute. Most of it should have been simple. But some of what came back was hostile, and over time I started to dread my phone. I’d see a name come up and feel my stomach drop before I’d even read a word. Opening a message about a dentist appointment shouldn’t take courage.

I tried to find a way around it. Putting everything through lawyers was slow and expensive, and it was never going to work for the things that needed an answer that afternoon. I tried a co-parenting app, but it mostly warned the person writing about their tone. If they sent the message anyway, it still landed with me in full.

The bigger problem was that every option I found needed both of us to download the same app and agree to use it. That’s fine if you’re both on the same page. But real separations aren’t always like that. When things are at their worst, you can’t count on the other person signing up to anything, let alone something you suggested.

Blocking wasn’t the answer either. Our children need us to keep talking.

So I started building what I wished I’d had. Something I could set up on my own, that the other parent didn’t have to download or agree to. They just get an email address and a number to use. Their messages are filtered before they reach me, so I get the information I need without the hostility wrapped around it. And the original is always kept in the Archive, untouched and timestamped, in case I ever need it.

I didn’t build it alone. Other solo parents tried it and told me honestly what helped and what didn’t. Family lawyers and mediators showed me what matters when messages end up in front of a professional. A lot of what FenceChat is today came from those conversations.

Something surprised me along the way. The more I talked to people about FenceChat, the more of them told me about a time they wished they’d had it, and not only separated parents. A dispute with a neighbour where every message turned into a fight. A business partnership that ended badly but still had loose ends to tie up. Brothers and sisters who had fallen out but still had to sort out a parent’s care or an estate. Different situations, same problem: you still need to hear from someone, but you don’t need to hear it the way they say it.

So FenceChat started with co-parenting, but it’s for anyone who has to keep communicating with someone they would rather not.

If you’re reading this because your phone has started to feel like something to brace yourself for, I hope FenceChat gives you some of your calm back.