Key points

  • A boundary is a limit on what you will accept and what you will do if it is crossed. It is about your actions, not controlling theirs.
  • Text and email are good places to set boundaries: you can plan the words and keep a record.
  • Good boundary messages are short, specific and calm.
  • The hard part is keeping a boundary. Follow through quietly and consistently.
  • FenceChat filters hostility out of their emails and texts, so the boundary holds even when they don’t respect it.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Not medical advice: This guide is about handling messages. It isn’t medical or mental health advice and it can’t diagnose anything. If stress or worry is affecting your sleep, work or health, your GP is a good first step, and the services in Where to get help are there too.

What a boundary is (and isn’t)

A boundary is a limit you set on what you will accept and what you will do if it is crossed. It is about your own actions. “Don’t speak to me like that” is a request. “If messages are abusive, I’ll stop replying until the next practical question” is a boundary, because you control it.

Boundaries aren’t only for co-parents. They help with a hostile relative, a neighbour in a dispute, a former partner, a difficult client or a landlord. If you share children with the other person, our guide to co-parenting boundaries goes into more detail.

Example boundary messages

Adjust the wording to suit you. Keep it short.

Time

  • “I’ll reply to messages between 9am and 6pm on weekdays. Anything urgent, please call.”

Channel

  • “Please send anything about the house by email from now on, so we both have a clear record.”

Topic

  • “I’m happy to talk about the fence repair. I won’t discuss anything else by message.”

Tone

  • “I’ll answer practical questions. If a message is abusive, I won’t reply to it.”

Requests

How to word a boundary well

  • Be specific. “Between 9am and 6pm” works better than “at reasonable times”.
  • Say what you will do. Focus on your action, not on what they must do.
  • Skip the backstory. One sentence is enough. You don’t have to justify it.
  • Stay calm and neutral. A boundary sent in anger tends to start a new argument.
  • Send it once. You don’t need to restate it in every message.

Keeping the boundary when they push back

Setting a boundary is the easy part. Keeping it is where most people struggle, especially if you tend to give in to keep the peace (our guide to fawning in messages covers that). Some tips:

  1. Follow through quietly. If you said you won’t reply after 6pm, don’t. No announcement needed.
  2. Don’t argue about the boundary. If they challenge it, a short “That’s what works for me” is enough.
  3. Expect testing. Pushback often increases before it settles. Consistency is what makes a boundary stick.
  4. Keep a record. If things escalate, a clear record of what was said can help a lawyer, mediator or support service understand the situation.

How FenceChat helps: A boundary is easier to keep when their messages stop landing as attacks. FenceChat filters hostile language out of the other person’s emails and texts before you read them, and passes on the practical parts. Even if they ignore your boundary, the hostility doesn’t reach you. They don’t need to install anything, and every original message is kept in your Archive.

Getting support

If boundary-setting brings up a lot of stress, talking it over helps. In Australia, healthdirect has information on stress and how to get support, and a GP is a good first step. For a neighbour dispute, free community justice and mediation services can help too. You’ll find services in Where to get help.

If you feel unsafe: Message habits and a filter are not a safety plan. If you are worried about your safety, contact one of the services below, or call emergency services if you are in danger.

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

Neighbours and community disputes

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

United States

Someone to talk to

Neighbours and community disputes

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

United Kingdom

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

Neighbours and community disputes

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

Frequently asked questions

How do you set a boundary by text?

Keep it short and specific, and say what you will do rather than what they must do. For example: “I’ll reply to messages between 9am and 6pm on weekdays. Anything urgent, please call.” Then follow through consistently.

What if they ignore my boundary?

Follow through quietly without arguing about it. If you said you won’t reply to abusive messages, don’t. Pushback often increases before it settles, and consistency is what makes a boundary stick.

Is it rude to set boundaries by text?

No. Writing gives you time to choose calm, clear words, and it creates a record. A short, polite boundary message is reasonable with anyone.

How does FenceChat help with boundaries?

FenceChat filters hostile language out of the other person’s emails and texts before you read them, so even if they ignore your boundary, the hostility doesn’t reach you. The other person doesn’t need to install anything.