Key points

  • Feeling constantly on alert for one person’s messages is common when their messages have been hostile for a long time.
  • Health professionals sometimes call being constantly on alert hypervigilance. Only a health professional can say what is going on for you.
  • Practical steps help: quieter notifications, set times to read, and one channel for their messages.
  • You don’t have to read a hostile message the moment it arrives.
  • FenceChat filters hostility out of their emails and texts before you read them, so a new message isn’t a shock.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Not medical advice: This guide is about handling messages. It isn’t medical or mental health advice and it can’t diagnose anything. If stress or worry is affecting your sleep, work or health, your GP is a good first step, and the services in Where to get help are there too.

What being on edge can feel like

When someone has sent angry or cruel messages for a while, your phone can start to feel like a threat. Many people describe:

  • Jumping every time the phone buzzes, even when it is someone else.
  • Checking the phone again and again, or refusing to look at it at all.
  • Rereading old messages, trying to predict what comes next.
  • Struggling to relax in the evening or on weekends, in case something arrives.

Health professionals sometimes use the word hypervigilance for being constantly on alert like this. This guide doesn’t diagnose anything. It focuses on the part you can change today: how and when their messages reach you.

Step 1: Change how their messages reach you

  • Silence their notifications. Most phones let you mute a single contact or conversation without blocking it. Their messages still arrive, but your phone stops announcing them.
  • Use focus or do not disturb modes. Set quiet hours in the evening and overnight. You can let family and urgent contacts through.
  • Move them to one channel. Ask that messages come by email or by text, not both, and not through social media. One place is easier to manage than five.
  • Take their app off your home screen. If they message on a particular app, moving it out of sight reduces the urge to check.

Step 2: Choose when you read them

You don’t have to read a message the moment it arrives. Many people find it helps to pick one or two set times a day, such as after breakfast and at 5pm, to read and reply. Outside those times, their messages can wait.

If you share children or money with this person and worry about missing something urgent, agree how urgent things will be flagged, for example a phone call for genuine emergencies only.

Step 3: Make reading them less of a jolt

  • Read with support nearby. Some people ask a trusted friend to read first, or read with someone in the room.
  • Scan for the facts. Look for the date, time, place or decision. You don’t have to absorb every word.
  • Don’t reply straight away. Unless it is urgent, give yourself time. A calmer reply usually comes later.
  • Don’t reread old messages to prepare. If you need a record, keep it somewhere you don’t look at every day.

How FenceChat helps: A lot of the dread comes from not knowing what tone the next message will have. FenceChat filters hostile, manipulative language out of the other person’s emails and texts before you read them, and passes on the facts. A new message becomes something you can read, not something you brace for. They keep using email or text as normal, and every original message is kept in your Archive in case you ever need it.

When to get support

If feeling on edge is affecting your sleep, work, appetite or health most days, it is worth talking to your GP. In Australia, healthdirect lists mental health helplines you can call, and Beyond Blue has information on anxiety and stress. In the United States, the National Institute of Mental Health has plain-language information. The services in Where to get help are free.

If you feel unsafe: Message habits and a filter are not a safety plan. If you are worried about your safety, contact one of the services below, or call emergency services if you are in danger.

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

United States

Someone to talk to

If you feel unsafe

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

United Kingdom

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

If you feel unsafe

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Frequently asked questions

Why do I feel on edge every time my phone buzzes?

When one person’s messages have been hostile for a while, it is common to start bracing for the next one, even when the buzz is someone else. Health professionals sometimes call being constantly on alert hypervigilance. Only a health professional can say what is going on for you, so if it is affecting your daily life, talk to your GP.

Can I mute one person without blocking them?

Yes. Most phones let you mute notifications for a single contact or conversation. Their messages still arrive, so nothing is lost, but your phone stops alerting you every time.

Do I have to reply straight away?

Usually not. Unless something is genuinely urgent, it is reasonable to read and reply at set times. Agreeing how real emergencies will be flagged can make waiting easier.

How does FenceChat help?

FenceChat filters hostile language out of the other person’s emails and texts before you read them, so you read the facts without the attack. The other person doesn’t need to install anything, and every original message is kept in your Archive.