Creating a separate email address for your ex is one of the most common pieces of advice you’ll see online. Set up a spare Gmail, give them that address, and keep your real inbox clean. It sounds simple, and for a lot of people it’s the first thing they try.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

The problem is that it doesn’t actually protect you from anything. You’ve added an extra login to manage, but every message they send still lands in an inbox you have to open. If the messages are abusive, hostile, or just relentless, a different email address changes nothing about the experience of receiving them. If the emails are already abusive, see how to stop harassing emails.

This guide covers why a separate email address is only a partial solution, and what a smarter setup looks like if you need to stay in contact with someone whose messages you’d rather not read at full volume.

Why people try a second email address

The instinct makes sense. You want your real inbox to stay clean. You don’t want your work colleagues or friends mixed in with hostile messages from an ex. Having a dedicated address means you can check it on your own schedule, ignore it when you need to, and delete it if things get unbearable.

These are all reasonable goals. The catch is that a spare Gmail or Hotmail account achieves none of them reliably. Here’s what actually happens:

  • You still check it. Knowing messages are there creates anxiety even when you delay opening them.
  • If you share children or property with this person, you can’t simply stop checking: you might miss something important. The same goes for shared pets; see who gets the dog after a breakup.
  • You still read everything. Every hostile opener, every accusation, every paragraph of abuse sits in that inbox waiting for you.
  • You now manage two email accounts indefinitely.

A separate email address is an organisational tool. It doesn’t filter anything. The same is true of a second phone number.

What’s different about a relay address

A relay address works differently from a regular spare email account. Instead of simply receiving messages and storing them, a relay sits between you and the sender and processes each message before it reaches you.

When someone sends a message to your relay address, the relay reads it first. It identifies content: tone, intent, specific information. It strips out abusive language, threats, and hostility, and then forwards only the factual, useful portion to your real inbox. They never see your actual email address anywhere in the exchange.

The key difference: a spare Gmail changes where hostile messages land. A relay changes what you receive, and keeps your real address permanently hidden.

When you reply through a relay service, the reply still shows as coming from the relay address. Your personal email is never exposed. If you ever decide to change services, you can do so without anyone needing to update their contact details.

The co-parenting problem

For people who share children with an ex-partner, a complete communication block is rarely an option. Courts, mediators, and family lawyers generally expect parents to remain in some form of contact for child-related matters. That’s where the “just don’t check it” strategy breaks down entirely.

You need to know about school events, medical appointments, and schedule changes. But having to read through abusive language every time you check for that information takes a real toll. A relay address that filters out the hostile content while passing through the practical information is a much more workable solution.

This is also why co-parenting apps, which require both parties to sign up, don’t suit every situation. If your ex refuses to use one, or if your circumstances involve safety concerns rather than just co-parenting friction, you need something that works without their participation. More on when a co-parenting app isn’t the right answer.

What to tell your ex

You don’t owe anyone an explanation of how your contact address works. When you give someone a new email address, most people accept it without asking questions.

If they push back, you can say you’ve changed how you manage your communications, or simply that this is the address you’re using going forward. The first time they write to it, they get a one-time notice that messages are processed by AI and stored, and you can switch that notice off where telling them could put you at risk. Beyond that, the relay address works like a normal email address from the sender’s perspective: they send to it, and they receive replies from it. They install nothing and never see your real email address.

Keeping messages as a record

One important thing to know about filtered relay services: the original unfiltered messages are typically archived. That means even if abusive language is removed before delivery, the original message is stored and can be retrieved if you ever need to show a pattern of behaviour to a solicitor, mediator, or court.

This is something a spare Gmail can’t offer. When you delete messages from a regular inbox, they’re gone. A relay service with an archive function means you build a timestamped record automatically, without having to screenshot and save every hostile message yourself.

What to look for in a relay service

Not all relay or email forwarding services are the same. If you’re setting one up specifically to manage contact from a difficult ex or to handle potential harassment, look for these features:

  • AI-powered filtering: basic keyword blocking misses a lot; you want something that understands context and tone
  • Message archive: a full record of all incoming messages, including the unfiltered originals
  • SMS relay option: if your ex also has your phone number, handling both channels through one service is far simpler
  • No requirement for the other party to participate: the service should work entirely on your end
  • Permanent address: your relay address shouldn’t change if you switch plans or update billing

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

United States

If you feel unsafe

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

United Kingdom

If you feel unsafe

Online abuse, stalking and cybercrime

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

Frequently asked questions

Should I create a new email address just for my ex?

A separate email gives you some control, but you still have to read everything that arrives. A relay address goes further: it filters messages before delivery so only the useful content reaches your inbox, and it hides your real email address permanently.

What is a relay email address?

A relay address sits between you and the sender. Messages arrive at the relay first, where they’re screened and filtered, then only the relevant content is forwarded to you. Your actual email address is never shared with the sender.

Can my ex find my real email through a relay address?

No. Replies are sent from the relay address, so your personal email stays hidden. Changing the relay doesn’t require changing your main account, and if you ever need a fresh start, you can get a new relay address without giving it to anyone.

What should I tell my ex when I give them the new address?

You don’t need to explain anything. Simply tell them this is the address they should use to contact you going forward. Most people accept a new contact address without asking questions. The first time they write to it, they get a one-time notice that messages are processed by AI and stored, which you can switch off where telling them could put you at risk. Replies you send through FenceChat still end with a short “Sent via FenceChat using AI” line.

Does a relay address work for co-parenting communication?

Yes, and it’s particularly useful here. AI filtering removes abuse and hostility while passing through practical information like pickup times, school events, and medical appointments, so you stay informed without being exposed to harassment every time you check.