Key points

  • “High conflict personality” is a term from conflict resolution, not a medical diagnosis. It describes a repeated pattern of blame, all-or-nothing thinking, intense emotion and extreme behaviour.
  • You don’t need to label anyone to use the ideas here. What matters is the pattern in the messages you receive.
  • Arguing back, defending yourself at length or trying to give a high conflict person insight usually makes things worse.
  • Short, factual, polite replies (often called BIFF replies) give the conflict less to feed on.
  • FenceChat filters hostile language out of their emails and texts, so you read the facts first and reply on your own terms.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Not medical advice: This guide is about handling messages, not about diagnosing anyone. “High conflict personality” describes a pattern of behaviour. It isn’t a medical diagnosis, and only a qualified professional can assess a person. If dealing with someone is affecting your health, your GP is a good first step.

What is a high conflict personality?

“High conflict personality” is a phrase coined by Bill Eddy, a lawyer, mediator and former therapist who co-founded the High Conflict Institute. He uses it to describe people who get into conflict far more often, and far more intensely, than most of us, and who tend to keep it going rather than resolve it.

It is a way of describing behaviour, not a diagnosis. You may see the phrase “high conflict personality disorder” online, but it isn’t a recognised medical condition. Some high conflict people may have a mental health condition and many don’t. The point is not to label anyone. It is to recognise a pattern so you can stop expecting a normal back-and-forth to work.

A high conflict person can be anyone: an ex, a co-parent, a relative, a neighbour, a client, a colleague or someone in a community group.

Four high conflict personality traits people often notice

Eddy describes four traits that tend to show up together. In messages they look like this:

  1. A preoccupation with blame. Every problem is someone else’s fault, and often the same person’s: yours. Messages focus on what you did wrong rather than what to do next.
  2. All-or-nothing thinking. You are either completely right or completely wrong. Words like “always”, “never” and “everyone knows” appear a lot.
  3. Unmanaged or intense emotions. Messages swing between anger, panic and sometimes charm, and the strength of feeling doesn’t match what happened.
  4. Extreme behaviour. Long strings of messages, copying in other people, threats to “go public”, or reactions that most people would never consider.

Everyone has a bad day. What marks the pattern is that it repeats, across different issues and over a long time.

What it looks like in texts and emails

  • Very long messages that revisit old grievances when you asked one simple question.
  • Rewriting what happened, so you start doubting your own memory (see our guide to gaslighting examples).
  • Messages at all hours, and more messages if you don’t reply quickly.
  • Blame aimed at you while their own part goes unmentioned, sometimes flipping into them being the victim (often called DARVO).
  • Copying in family, friends, a boss or a lawyer to pile on pressure.
  • Demands for an immediate answer to things that aren’t urgent.

Why arguing back rarely works

When someone sends you a wall of blame, the natural response is to correct the record. With a high conflict person, that usually backfires. A long defence gives them more to pick apart, and an emotional reply can be quoted back at you later.

It also rarely leads to insight. Most high conflict people don’t see their own pattern, and pointing it out (“you always do this”, “you have a high conflict personality”) tends to start a new round. The aim isn’t to win the argument or change them. It is to deal with the practical issue and protect your own time and calm.

How to deal with a high conflict person by text

Eddy’s approach to written replies is known as BIFF: brief, informative, friendly and firm. Our BIFF guide walks through it in detail. In short:

  • Answer the practical point only. Ignore the insults and the history lesson.
  • Keep it short. Two or three sentences is usually plenty.
  • Stay polite. A friendly line costs nothing and leaves less to object to.
  • Close it off. Give the information or decision, then stop. Don’t invite more debate.

Here is a typical message and a calm reply:

They send: “Typical of you to change the date without asking. You never think about anyone else. Everyone can see what you’re doing and I’m sick of it.”

You reply: “Thanks for your message. The meeting moved to Thursday 4pm because the venue was booked. The details are in the attached invite. See you then.”

Eddy also suggests EAR statements (empathy, attention and respect) for moments when someone is very upset, such as “I can see this matters to you, and I want to sort it out.” Use them when they help, but they are optional. You don’t owe anyone reassurance in reply to abuse.

Protect your time and keep a record

  • Choose when you read. You don’t have to answer within minutes. Set times to check messages, as covered in always on edge waiting for their next message.
  • Use one channel. Ask that practical matters come by email or text, so there is less pressure and a written record. Our guide to setting boundaries by text has wording.
  • Keep everything. Save messages with dates and times. If the pattern becomes harassment, a record helps. See how to record harassing messages.
  • Get support. Dealing with this pattern for a long time is draining. A counsellor or support service can help, and the services below are a good start.

How FenceChat helps: A high conflict person’s messages are often hard to read because the practical question is buried under blame. FenceChat filters hostile, manipulative language out of their emails and texts before you see them and passes on the facts, so you can write a short, calm reply. They keep using email or text as normal, nothing is installed on their side, and every original message is kept in your Archive.

If you feel unsafe: Message habits and a filter are not a safety plan. If you are worried about your safety, contact one of the services below, or call emergency services if you are in danger.

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

United States

Someone to talk to

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

United Kingdom

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

If you feel unsafe

Frequently asked questions

What is a high conflict personality?

It is a term coined by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute for people who get into conflict much more often and more intensely than most, and who tend to keep it going. It describes a pattern of behaviour, not a medical diagnosis.

Is high conflict personality a disorder?

No. “High conflict personality disorder” is not a recognised diagnosis. The phrase describes behaviour. Some people who behave this way have a mental health condition and many don’t, and only a qualified professional can assess a person.

What are the traits of a high conflict personality?

Bill Eddy describes four: a preoccupation with blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged or intense emotions, and extreme behaviour. The pattern repeats across different issues and over a long time.

How do you deal with a high conflict person by text?

Keep replies brief, informative, friendly and firm (the BIFF approach). Answer the practical point only, ignore insults, don’t defend yourself at length and don’t try to point out their pattern. Keep a record of all messages.

How does FenceChat help with a high conflict person?

FenceChat filters hostile language out of the other person’s emails and texts before you read them and passes on the facts, so you can answer the practical point calmly. They don’t need to install anything, and every original message is kept in your Archive.