Key points

  • Safety comes first. If you don’t feel safe, contact a support service before anything else.
  • Every separation is different, so this checklist is a list of questions to consider, not instructions.
  • Many people sort out short-term arrangements first and take time over bigger decisions.
  • Talking early about how you’ll communicate can make everything else easier.
  • Rules and time limits differ from place to place, so free legal and family services are worth contacting early.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Whether you were married or in a de facto relationship, the first weeks after a separation are full of big decisions, paperwork and challenging emotions, and many people look for a separation checklist to help them prepare. Everyone’s situation is different, so this isn’t a list of things you must do. It’s a set of questions many people find useful to think about, and to discuss with the other person where that feels safe. You are the best judge of what applies to you.

Rules differ from place to place: The forms, agencies and time limits that apply to you depend on where you live, so check the details with the services listed below.

First steps to separation: the first few days

  • Are you and the children safe? If not, contact a support service or emergency services first.
  • Where will each of you live for now?
  • Do you have what you need day to day, such as identity documents, medication, chargers, keys and the children’s things?
  • Who can you talk to for support?
  • Note the date you separated and anything you agreed to.

Children

  • Where will the children sleep for now, and how will school runs and handovers work?
  • What will you tell the children, and will you tell them together?
  • Which routines matter most to keep steady, such as school, sport and bedtimes?
  • Does the school need to know anything about contacts or pick-ups?
  • How will you keep the children out of passing messages between you?

Longer-term arrangements can come later. Our guides on custody arrangements and parenting plans explain the usual options.

Money

  • What joint bank accounts, credit cards, loans and regular bills do you have?
  • How will the bills be covered for now, and would it help to write that down?
  • Do you each have access to the statements and records you may need later?
  • Do you each have access to money for day-to-day costs?
  • Do any agencies need to know your situation has changed, for example for government payments, child support or tax?

For more detail, see who pays the mortgage after separation.

Home

  • Who will stay in the home for now, and how will the rent or mortgage be covered?
  • If someone is moving out, who needs the new address, such as the bank, employer and doctor?
  • Would it help to talk to the landlord or lender early?
  • If you are still living together for now, what would you like to discuss about the house? Our guide on separating under one roof covers this.

Records and paperwork

  • Where will you keep copies of important documents?
  • Are you keeping the messages about the children, money and the home?
  • Would short written confirmations of what you agree, such as “Just confirming: handover at 5pm Sunday at the school”, help you both?

How you’ll communicate

How you talk to each other in the first weeks can set the tone for the period ahead. Things many couples discuss include which channel to use for separation admin, how long messages should be, and what reply times feel reasonable. Our guide on how to separate amicably has more questions to talk through, and wording that often makes things harder.

Some people keep separation admin away from their personal inbox, for example with a separate email address.

How FenceChat helps: FenceChat gives you a separate email address and, on some plans, an SMS number for separation admin. If messages start to get heated, the hostile wording is filtered out and the facts still reach you. The other person keeps using email or text as normal and doesn’t need to install or join anything; the first time they message your FenceChat address, they get a short one-time notice. Every original is kept in your Archive.

Getting information and support

  • Some claims about property and money have time limits, and they differ from place to place, so many people contact a lawyer or free legal service early.
  • Family relationship services can explain options for the children and the money.
  • Mediation and family dispute resolution can help couples talk through arrangements.
  • A counsellor or support line can help with the stress.

Want the rest of our separation guides as they come out? Get them by email.

If you feel unsafe: Leave the checklist for later. Contact one of the services below, or call emergency services if you are in danger.

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Renting and housing

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

United States

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Renting and housing

If you feel unsafe

United Kingdom

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Renting and housing

  • Shelter Advice on renting and housing problems.

If you feel unsafe

Frequently asked questions

What is the first thing to do when you separate?

It depends on your situation, but safety comes first. After that, many people focus on short-term questions, such as where everyone will live and how this month’s bills will be covered, and take time over bigger decisions.

What should you not do when separating?

Every situation is different, but rushed financial decisions, deleting messages or records, posting about the separation on social media and passing messages through the children often cause problems later.

Do I need to tell anyone officially that we have separated?

It depends on where you live and your situation. Government payment or child support agencies, banks, insurers and your children’s school may need to know. A free legal service can tell you what applies to you. This guide is general information, not legal advice.

How should we communicate after separating?

Many couples discuss which channel to use for separation admin, how long messages should be and what reply times feel reasonable. If messages start to get hostile, FenceChat can filter out the hostile wording so you still get the facts.