Key points

  • Amicable doesn’t have to mean friendly. For many people it means respectful and workable, even when they disagree.
  • Every separation is different, so this guide offers things to think about and discuss rather than rules.
  • Talking early about how you’ll communicate can head off a lot of arguments later.
  • Free family services can help separating couples talk through children and money.
  • If messages start to turn, FenceChat filters out the hostile wording so you can still read and answer the facts.

A friendly note: This guide shares general information to help you understand your options. It isn’t legal advice, and it can’t tell you what to do in your own situation. For that, a lawyer or a free legal service is the best next step, and you’ll find some in Where to get help.

Whether you call it an amicable separation, an amicable divorce or simply a civil, peaceful divorce, most people who want to separate amicably want the same thing: to end the relationship without a war, and to come out the other side still able to sort out the children, the house and the money. That is a realistic goal. Australian research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that about three in five separated parents described their relationship with the other parent as friendly or cooperative a year or so after separating.

It still takes effort. Separation is stressful, and even two reasonable people can say things they regret. Everyone’s situation is different, so this guide sets out things many people find useful to think about and talk through, some things that often make the situation harder, and what can help if things start to get tense.

What an amicable separation really means

An amicable separation is not one where nobody is upset. It is one where both people stay respectful and keep working on the practical decisions, even when they disagree. You don’t have to be friends. You need to be able to answer a message about school pick-ups or a bill without it turning into an argument about the past.

It also doesn’t have to mean agreeing to everything to keep the peace. What feels fair and workable is something only the two of you can judge.

Before the first conversation

Some things people often think about before telling their partner they want to separate:

  • When and where. What time and place would give you both privacy and enough time to talk?
  • What you want to say. What are the few things you most want the other person to understand?
  • How it may land. The other person may be shocked, angry or relieved. Does everything need deciding in one conversation, or only the next few days?
  • The immediate questions. Where will each of you stay for now, how will this month’s bills be covered, and what, if anything, will you tell the children?

If you’re worried how they’ll react: Telling someone you want to separate can be a risky moment if they have frightened or controlled you before. A family violence or support service can help you plan before you tell them. You’ll find some in Where to get help below.

Talking about how you’ll communicate

Separations often get harder one message at a time, not because of one big decision. Many couples find it helps to talk early, while things are calmer, about how they’ll keep in touch. Some questions to discuss:

  1. Which channel? Would email or text work best for messages about the children, money and logistics? Some people use a separate email address to keep this apart from the rest of their life.
  2. How long and how many topics? Would shorter messages about one thing at a time be easier for you both?
  3. Reply times. What feels reasonable for everyday questions, and how will you reach each other in a genuine emergency?
  4. Times of day. Are there times when messages are best left until morning?
  5. The children. How will you keep the children out of passing messages between you?
  6. Keeping track. Would a short follow-up to confirm what you agreed, such as “Just confirming: you’ll pay the electricity bill this month and I’ll cover the water”, help you both?

What not to say during a separation

There is no script that suits everyone, but these kinds of phrases and habits often make conversations harder:

  • Going over the past. “If you hadn’t…” can reopen arguments that can’t be settled now.
  • Always and never. “You always leave everything to me” invites a defence, not a solution.
  • Using the children or money as leverage. Statements like “You won’t see the kids if…” escalate quickly and are hard to take back.
  • Talking about new partners before the practical arrangements are settled.
  • Venting in public. Posts on social media get screenshotted and shared, and they rarely help.
  • Replying in the heat of the moment. Some people find it helps to write a reply, then wait before sending it.

Some people find short, neutral replies easier. Methods like BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) and yellow rock give you a simple shape for replies when emotions are high.

Children and money: where to get help

The children and the money are often the hardest topics. You don’t have to work them out alone, and there are options other than court.

  • Information. Many people find conversations calmer once they both understand their general options.
  • Free and low-cost services. In Australia, family dispute resolution and mediation services help separating parents talk through arrangements for the children. Similar services exist in other countries.
  • Independent advice. A lawyer or free legal service can explain what any agreement would mean for you in your situation.

Our guides on parenting plans and property settlement cover how these usually work, and how to keep the messages around them calm.

If things start to get tense

Even good separations have hard weeks, often around money, new partners or the first school holidays. Early signs that messages are starting to turn include longer messages, old grievances creeping back in, and replies that leave you dreading the next one.

When that happens, some people revisit what they agreed about communicating. If you’re finding the messages themselves hard to read, a filter can help.

How FenceChat helps: FenceChat gives you a separate email address and, on some plans, an SMS number for separation admin. Messages sent to it are processed by AI to filter out hostile, blaming or manipulative wording, and the facts still reach your usual inbox or phone. The other person keeps using email or text as normal and doesn’t need to install or join anything. The first time they message your FenceChat address, they get a short one-time notice. Every original is kept in your Archive alongside the version you receive.

Not ready for that? You can get our separation and communication guides by email instead.

If you feel unsafe: An amicable separation is not the goal if you are afraid of the other person. If you are worried about your safety or your children’s safety, contact one of the services below, or call emergency services if you are in danger.

Where to get help

These services are free or low-cost. If you or someone else is in danger, call your local emergency number first.

Australia

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Lifeline Crisis support and suicide prevention, any time. 13 11 14.
  • Beyond Blue Support for anxiety, stress and low mood. 1300 22 4636.

If you feel unsafe

  • Emergency: 000 Police, ambulance or fire, if you or someone else is in danger.
  • 1800RESPECT Free, confidential counselling for family, domestic and sexual violence, any time. 1800 737 732.

United States

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

If you feel unsafe

United Kingdom

Separation and co-parenting

Free or low-cost legal help

Someone to talk to

  • Samaritans Someone to talk to, any time. Call 116 123.
  • Mind Mental health information and support.

If you feel unsafe

Frequently asked questions

Can you separate amicably if only one person wants to separate?

Often, yes, although it can take longer. The person who did not want the separation may need time before they can talk about practical arrangements. Some people find a counsellor or mediator helps.

Do we need lawyers for an amicable separation?

Many people work out arrangements with the help of family dispute resolution or mediation services. A lawyer or free legal service can explain what any agreement would mean for you. This guide is general information, not legal advice.

What should you not say during a separation?

Every situation is different, but going over the past, using “always” and “never”, using the children or money as leverage, and raising new partners early often make conversations harder.

How can FenceChat help if things get tense?

FenceChat filters hostile wording out of emails and texts sent to your FenceChat address or number, so you can still read and answer the facts. The other person doesn’t need to install or join anything, and every original message is kept in your Archive.