Threatening texts from an ex: what to do, what to keep, and when to get help

Receiving a threatening message from someone you were in a relationship with is an experience that sits in an uncomfortable space. You may be uncertain whether it was “just words” or something more serious. You may feel reluctant to escalate something that has up until now been a private matter. And you may not know what to do with the message itself.

This guide is practical: what the law considers threatening, what to do with messages when you receive them, when to involve police, and how to protect yourself going forward.

What counts as a threatening message

Not every hostile, angry, or upsetting message is legally threatening. The legal threshold matters because it can affect which options are available to you.

A threatening message is one that would cause a reasonable person to fear that they or someone else will be subjected to violence, harm, or other serious adverse action. Examples include:

• Explicit threats of physical harm: “I am going to hurt you”
• Implied threats: “You have no idea what’s coming” or “Watch your back”
• Threats to harm family members, pets, or property
• Threats to take children without legal authority
• Threats to harm the recipient’s career, reputation, or financial situation if carried out deliberately and unlawfully

Messages that are insulting, demeaning, accusatory, or emotionally abusive, but don’t contain a threat of harm, are generally not legally threatening, though they may still constitute harassment or stalking under Australian law if they are repeated and designed to cause distress. The distinction can affect which legal pathways are open. They can still amount to harassment; see our guide to harassing text messages from your ex.

Immediate steps when you receive a threatening message

Your response in the immediate period after receiving a threatening message can make a real difference later. The key things to do (and not do) are:

Do

• Take a breath before doing anything else. Reactive responses are almost always counterproductive.
• Note the time, date, and platform on which the message was received.
• Screenshot the message immediately as a backup, even if you plan to preserve it more formally later.
• Tell a trusted person (a friend, family member, or support service) what has happened.
• Contact a lawyer or support service (1800RESPECT in Australia, the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US) to talk through your next steps.

Do not

• Do not respond to the message, particularly in anger or with counter-threats.
• Do not delete the message, even if it upsets you to keep it.
• Do not share the message on social media or send it to people uninvolved in the situation.
• Do not contact the sender’s family or friends to complain about the message.
• Do not assume one message is too minor to document. Patterns matter. Repeated unwanted contact can be harassment on its own; see what to do when your ex won’t stop contacting you.

What to preserve and how

A threatening message is most useful as a record if it is preserved properly. Courts and police generally look for records that are complete, unedited, and traceable to their original source.

The best preservation approach depends on your platform:

• SMS/MMS: Keep the original on the device. Back up the device using iCloud or Google Backup. Export the message thread if your device allows it. Take screenshots as a secondary backup but don’t rely on them alone.
• Messaging apps (WhatsApp, Messenger, etc.): Most apps have an export or backup function. Use it. Also take screenshots and note the date, time, and chat name.
• Email: Forward the email to a secure personal account and note when it was received. Do not alter the email. Email headers contain metadata that verifies the original sender.
• Social media: Screenshot the post or message and note the URL if accessible. Report it to the platform as well, but do not rely on the platform preserving it. Platforms sometimes delete reported content.

When to contact police

Police involvement is appropriate in more situations than many people realise. You do not need to wait until a threat is carried out, and you do not need to have multiple incidents before reporting.

Contact police if:

• The threat is explicit and specific, naming a time, place, or method
• The sender has previously followed through on threats
• The threats are escalating in frequency or severity
• The threats are accompanied by other concerning behaviour (showing up uninvited, monitoring your movements)
• You genuinely fear for your safety or the safety of people in your household

When you contact police, bring your preserved record of messages. A printed copy of a full message thread, a backup on a device, or a log of communications is far more useful to police than a verbal description. Police can record your complaint, investigate the sender, and apply for a protection order on your behalf if the evidence warrants it.

Applying for a protection order

If police do not apply for a protection order on your behalf (or if you want to apply independently), you can do so through the local court system. The name of the order varies by state:

• NSW: Apprehended Violence Order (AVO)
• Victoria: Family Violence Intervention Order or Personal Safety Intervention Order
• Queensland: Domestic Violence Order (DVO)
• South Australia: Intervention Order
• Western Australia: Family Violence Restraining Order or Violence Restraining Order

You do not need a lawyer to apply, though a lawyer can help you prepare the application, and Legal Aid or a community legal centre may be able to help. Evidence of threatening messages, particularly a clear, complete, and authenticated record, is often central to these applications.

In the US, the equivalent is a protective order, restraining order or order of protection, and the rules vary by state. Our US guide explains the basics.

Protecting yourself going forward

If you must remain in contact with someone who has sent threatening messages (because of shared children, shared property, or a workplace situation), the challenge becomes ongoing. You need to maintain some communication while protecting yourself from further threatening contact. Our guide on how to stop someone texting you without blocking them covers this situation.

Practical steps include:

• Route all communication through a relay address or number that keeps your real contact details private
• Restrict communication to written channels only, so everything is documented
• Set a defined response window (24 hours, for example) so you’re not expected to respond in real time
• Have a trusted person aware of your communications and your situation
• Review your social media privacy settings and remove location data from posts
• Tell people at your workplace or children’s school who is and is not permitted to contact or collect them