What counts as harassment by a co-parent? Examples and what to do

Almost every separated parent has received a message that made their stomach drop. A sharp reply about a late pick-up, a long complaint about school shoes, a sarcastic comment about your new partner. That is unpleasant, but on its own it is usually just hard co-parenting.

Harassment is different. It is a pattern of contact that is meant to wear you down, frighten you or control you, and it does not stop when you ask. This guide explains how to tell the difference, gives examples, outlines what the law says in general terms, and sets out practical steps. It is general information, not legal advice.

Difficult co-parenting or harassment?

Co-parents disagree. They get frustrated, write things they regret and sometimes send one message too many. A single rude text, a disagreement about holidays or a firm “no” to a change in the schedule is not harassment.

What turns difficult into harassment is usually a combination of these things:

• Pattern: it keeps happening, over weeks or months, not once in a bad moment.
• Volume: dozens of messages a day, late at night, or a flood of texts when you do not reply straight away. If that sounds familiar, see what to do when your ex won’t stop contacting you.
• Intent: the messages seem designed to intimidate, humiliate or provoke you, rather than sort out something about the children.
• Threats: of harm to you, the children, your pets or your property, or threats to “take the kids” or ruin your reputation.
• Ignoring boundaries: you have clearly asked them to use one channel or to stop contacting you about a topic, and they carry on.

A useful question to ask yourself: is this message about the children, or is it about me? Messages that are mostly about you, your choices, your new life or your character, sent again and again, are a warning sign.

Behaviours that often cross the line

Some behaviours go beyond the messages themselves. These are the ones people most often describe when co-parenting turns into harassment:

• Contacting you through other people: your parents, friends, employer or new partner, especially after you have limited direct contact.
• Using the children as messengers: sending notes in school bags, asking the children to pass on demands, or questioning them about your home.
• Turning up: arriving at your home, work or the gym uninvited, or lingering after handover.
• Monitoring: tracking your location, checking your social media through other accounts, or knowing things about your movements they should not know.
• Creating new accounts or numbers to reach you after you have blocked one. There are ways to stop someone texting you without blocking them.

NSW Police list repeated calls and texts, turning up at places you go, and using tracking apps or accessing your accounts as examples of stalking behaviour. If any of these sound familiar, take it seriously.

Co-parent harassment examples

Context always matters, and only a court can decide whether behaviour breaks the law. These examples show where ordinary conflict can tip into harassment.

What the law says in Australia

There is no single offence called “co-parent harassment”, but several laws can apply. In general terms:

• Phone and online harassment: using a phone, text or the internet to menace or harass someone can be an offence anywhere in Australia.
• State and territory stalking and intimidation laws: every Australian state and territory has laws about stalking and intimidation, and US states do too.
• Family violence orders: courts in each state and territory can make protection orders. They have different names, such as apprehended violence orders (AVOs), intervention orders, domestic violence orders or restraining orders, and they can limit or set conditions on how the other person contacts you. Police can apply on your behalf. See our guide to communicating when there is an AVO or intervention order.
• Family law: family violence is not only physical. Threatening, controlling or frightening behaviour, including stalking and repeated put-downs, can count too.

In the US, harassment and stalking are covered by state laws, and courts can issue protective orders (sometimes called restraining orders or orders of protection). The rules vary from state to state. Our guide to protective and restraining orders in the US explains the basics, and a family law attorney or free legal aid service can explain how your state’s law applies.

How harassment may be viewed in family law matters

When a court decides parenting arrangements, the first factor it considers in deciding what is in a child’s best interests is the safety of the child and the people who care for them. That can include any history of family violence and any family violence orders.

Courts also recognise that children can be seriously harmed by being exposed to family violence. Harassment that draws the children in, or plays out in front of them, can matter for that reason.

In practice, messages are often part of the material a lawyer, family report writer or judge looks at. That cuts both ways: your replies will be read too, so calm, brief, child-focused replies are worth the effort. Our guide on whether text messages can be used in family court explains what lawyers usually need.

In the US, custody is mostly a matter of state law, decided in state courts. Our guide to text messages as evidence in US courts covers the basics, and a family law attorney or free legal aid (such as LawHelp.org) can explain how it works where you live.

What to do about co-parent harassment

1. Move contact to one written channel. Ask for everything about the children to come by email or one number. Written contact is calmer and leaves a clear record. In high-conflict cases, parallel parenting takes this further.
2. Set boundaries in writing, once. Keep it short and neutral, then apply it without arguing about it. Our guide to co-parenting boundaries has wording you can use.
3. Do not engage with the hostility. Reply only to practical points about the children. Ignore insults, accusations and bait.
4. Keep records. Save every message with the date and time visible, and keep a simple log of calls, visits and incidents. See how to keep a record of harassing messages.
5. Tell your lawyer or mediator. They need to know about the pattern, not just the worst message, and it may change how your matter is handled.
6. Contact police if you are threatened. Police can respond to threats, stalking and someone turning up uninvited. Our guide on threatening texts from an ex covers what to do.
7. Ask about a protection order. If the behaviour continues or you feel unsafe, police or your local court can explain how protection orders work and whether one may fit your situation. In the US, our guide to protective and restraining orders explains the basics.

For more on handling the messages themselves, see harassing text messages from your ex.

Keep the practical messages, lose the harassment

When you share children, you cannot simply cut contact. FenceChat lets the information about the children reach you, such as times, school notices and medical updates, while the insults and pressure are filtered out. Every original is kept, untouched and timestamped, so the record builds itself and can be organised for your lawyer if you ever need it.

FenceChat gives you a separate email address and, on the Protected and Legal plans, a separate mobile number to give your co-parent instead of your own. Their messages are filtered before they reach you: the practical information comes through and hostile language is filtered out. The untouched original is kept in your Archive, timestamped, in case you ever need it. They do not need an app or an account, and you never have to share your real number or address.

Getting help

A communication tool is not a safety plan. If you are worried about your safety or your children’s safety, reach out:

• Emergency: call 000 in Australia or 911 in the US if you are in danger.
• Confidential support: 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 in Australia, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788) in the US, 24 hours.

See Where to get help for services in Australia, the US and the UK.